|
| changes are afoot, my friends. mostly long overdue changes... more details to come! xx
| | |
| as ever you are my giant killer, v. i accept your offer and know that to ask forgiveness from you for things that are beyond words is a pretty lofty thing to ask. but i attempt, on a daily basis, to live in the impossible with God so today I believe for the miraculous - poor undeserving soul that i am.
thank you...again for a love that i don't deserve and i am beyond the point of understanding. for standing with me and wanting me, claiming me as your own even when i push away and barracade myself inside. for grace upon grace that i don't deserve and that i consistently take for granted. and for not saying i told you so or offering anything other your wisdom, your humor, your devotion (and your food)
i found this poem and it made me think of people in my life... e e cummings...ellie would be so proud of me. 
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
| | |
| i am homesick. really, that's an understatement: what i am is heartsick. and the things that i am heartsick for i'm not sure that i have the words to articulate what they are or describe the depth to which i need them.
i miss rat and edward like crazy. hell, i miss nalu - and that is saying something
i want to see reeve and have him pat my head as he always did in greeting
i need heidi and noah's wisdom, their sense of balance. to worship with them
i am desperate to just have a hug from mister spead - we don't even need to say anything. just walk up, hug for 3 minutes, and i'm good - i could get back on airplane and travel back for 8 hours
i need to lay on bed upside down with my feet against a wall and ellie lying next to me, fans blowing, and us just laying there daydreaming and giggling
i want to race up with a smile on my face to tj and weathers and get some smart-assed, teasing salutation, as they throw their arms around me
i want to sit on a floor to watch basketball on tv and have v draw lazy circles on my back with her fingers. no words. just good conversation
i miss the convenience of stores that stay open past 4.30pm and drive-through cash machines (i can't even remember to call them ATMs) and paying for you gas (petrol) at the pump rather than having to go indoors. i want real mexican food and margaritas that actually have cuervo in them. i want to sit on a couch and watch like 6 episodes back to back of law and order: svu on one of their friday night marathons. i want target and payless and the cheesecake factory. i want to be around black people who are so damn ghetto you don't know what they are saying - ones that eat collard greens and cornbread because you can't find that here.
been in england now nearly 3 years and i keep waiting for these longings/needs to go away, to lessen to a place that i don't notice them at all and am able to let go an fully embrace where i am at - rather than it being this dull thud in the pit of me that's just always there. isn't that just tragic? so pitiful, i know: here i live on the brink of europe, exploration, adventure - and all i can do is pine away for teeny, ridiculous waco.
i think in a lot of ways i have been waiting for my life to start and to have something more abrasive than a full-time job and moving to another country interrupt life after university. i have been waiting and now i am 3 years in and nothing of what i expected has happened or been fulfilled apart from earning the British pound instead of the dollar. i know that that should drive me to assess where i am and move forward with change. but i feel pretty tired today.
i'll think about it tomorrow. today, i feel too old to tackle giants.
| | |
| does anyone else find a blank page intimidating?
i do, sometimes
in hopes that my lazy return to the land of xanga goes unnoticed, i'm not going to write much. i think return is a bit of a stretch. it feels funny to be slowly sorting out my thoughts, my musings here again. to be writing and sharing and thinking for a precious few to see
i feel so old. changed really. parts of me both carved out and awakened, how is that possible?
i think heidi was right on with her last post. for all of my wanderings and growings there is definately some instinctual yearning i have for the old guard to come together once more. to have the -what is her word? tribe? - yes, tribe - come together once more
i'm not an idiot. i get that we're graduates (mostly), musicians, road-tripping neener-heads, married (some of us), working, travelers, with mortages and babies and dogs and car payments and student loans (again, some of us) to pay back... i get that most of us aren't even in the same city. some of us like Mr. Spead are in different states with a few of us flung out even further.
i'm not idealising the dream. i know we can't go back to it. i don't know that it really existed. i just wish i could draw strength from us gathering together one more time and bringing who we are, as we are together - nothing hidden, nothing strained, laying aside the issues - just us being
| | |
|
