|
| here i am. i am standing. and i am longing for change. i am longing to be transformed - to be, as the quote goes, the change i wish to see in the world.
i am unwise. full of pride and woundings. angry. melodramatic nearly to a fault. consumed with jealousy, judgement and impatience - i am NOT generous. or pure of heart.
but i am trying and my desire is to know Him and be known by Him. my desire is to relentlessly pursue Him through all the trials and slipups and backslides... one step forward and fourteen backwards, but plodding along nonetheless.
i long to be whole and vulnerable, with my heart fully exposed before Him to deal with all the pain, and the fear, and the shame and the insecurity. i want Him to overtake my understanding of who I am and who He is and exchange it for His perspective, His freedom, His seal of approval.
I long to live my life in a way that i am truly known before my community, where my pain is theirs and they rejoice with me in my victories. i long to give my heart away - to love without limit- and to hold nothing back, no secrets.all that i am in the light.
i desire to be more than the world says is mine to expect or demand. i do not want to be contained, pacified or satisfied by the status quo, by the American Dream or what is "normal or adaquate".
I want the upside down kingdom and to know that God is real and He is enough. i want the crazy stories and insane adventures that mark those who give everything that they are to follow Him - no plan B. no other option for me to pursue or relationship for me to manipulate in order to get what I need, in order to protect God's reputation as a faithful provider (cause obviously He needs my help).
i want to know what it is to so totally rely on God that if He doesn't come through i die. i am undone. i cannot make it. i want the pleasure of the intimacy with Him that comes at such a high cost but is utterly priceless...where i weep as He speaks and so fills me with His presence that people litterally sense something different - something divine - in me. And that it changes the atmosphere of places as i go whether that's to work or for a meal or out shopping. i want the presence of God - His love, and His truth and His compassion for people - to so inhabit me that people cannot help but be changed by His Spirit, without me even opening my mouth.
when i was a little girl, my mother used to have us say grace before each dinner and we would pray all these words (actually sort of like a nursery rhyme...God is great, God is good...) and i used to wonder why with all the words. as i got older and bolder i would pray the name of jesus (jesus, jesus, jesus) at Christmas dinner - it never went over well, but my point was that all that was needed to be said was His name. that His name automatically encompassess everything we could ever need or say. full stop.
now as i get older, i'm not even sure you need the name. just His presence. i read stories of christians who are so full of the love of God that they hug people - babies with cerberal palsy or the blind or deaf - and as they are embraced, simply held, they are healed.
it's biblical - it says that the disciple's shadow healed people as they walked by. so why not in this age, in this generation, in my life??? God is not a respector of persons, He does not show favoritism.
i know where i want to live and the direction i am going. i have found the One my heart loves.
| | |
| i've left antioch - it's time to move on to bigger and better things. i know i'm like the last one (dead last) to get the lead out and break away, but let's not dwell on that little point. let's instead embrace the fact that i am moving forward. seeking out a new community.
i do things now. like go to the gym and run. i eat seeds. i avoid white sugar like the plague. i don't drink coffee or use flouride in my toothpaste. i go to yoga classes early on a sunday morning. i am learning to play the guitar. and i celebrate. i bake. and cook. and knit. i'm choosing not to go home to the family dysfunction this christmas but will hopefully, be seeing mister spead here in jolly ole' england.
i am back to painting again.
i do things now.
| | |
| changes are afoot, my friends. mostly long overdue changes... more details to come! xx
| | |
| as ever you are my giant killer, v. i accept your offer and know that to ask forgiveness from you for things that are beyond words is a pretty lofty thing to ask. but i attempt, on a daily basis, to live in the impossible with God so today I believe for the miraculous - poor undeserving soul that i am.
thank you...again for a love that i don't deserve and i am beyond the point of understanding. for standing with me and wanting me, claiming me as your own even when i push away and barracade myself inside. for grace upon grace that i don't deserve and that i consistently take for granted. and for not saying i told you so or offering anything other your wisdom, your humor, your devotion (and your food)
i found this poem and it made me think of people in my life... e e cummings...ellie would be so proud of me. 
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
| | |
| i am homesick. really, that's an understatement: what i am is heartsick. and the things that i am heartsick for i'm not sure that i have the words to articulate what they are or describe the depth to which i need them.
i miss rat and edward like crazy. hell, i miss nalu - and that is saying something
i want to see reeve and have him pat my head as he always did in greeting
i need heidi and noah's wisdom, their sense of balance. to worship with them
i am desperate to just have a hug from mister spead - we don't even need to say anything. just walk up, hug for 3 minutes, and i'm good - i could get back on airplane and travel back for 8 hours
i need to lay on bed upside down with my feet against a wall and ellie lying next to me, fans blowing, and us just laying there daydreaming and giggling
i want to race up with a smile on my face to tj and weathers and get some smart-assed, teasing salutation, as they throw their arms around me
i want to sit on a floor to watch basketball on tv and have v draw lazy circles on my back with her fingers. no words. just good conversation
i miss the convenience of stores that stay open past 4.30pm and drive-through cash machines (i can't even remember to call them ATMs) and paying for you gas (petrol) at the pump rather than having to go indoors. i want real mexican food and margaritas that actually have cuervo in them. i want to sit on a couch and watch like 6 episodes back to back of law and order: svu on one of their friday night marathons. i want target and payless and the cheesecake factory. i want to be around black people who are so damn ghetto you don't know what they are saying - ones that eat collard greens and cornbread because you can't find that here.
been in england now nearly 3 years and i keep waiting for these longings/needs to go away, to lessen to a place that i don't notice them at all and am able to let go an fully embrace where i am at - rather than it being this dull thud in the pit of me that's just always there. isn't that just tragic? so pitiful, i know: here i live on the brink of europe, exploration, adventure - and all i can do is pine away for teeny, ridiculous waco.
i think in a lot of ways i have been waiting for my life to start and to have something more abrasive than a full-time job and moving to another country interrupt life after university. i have been waiting and now i am 3 years in and nothing of what i expected has happened or been fulfilled apart from earning the British pound instead of the dollar. i know that that should drive me to assess where i am and move forward with change. but i feel pretty tired today.
i'll think about it tomorrow. today, i feel too old to tackle giants.
| | |
|
